DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
