Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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