A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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