you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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