I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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