puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
