My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
