Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
