Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
