I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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