How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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