My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
