I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
