Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
