one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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