Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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