i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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