I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Shame - the story of my life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
