I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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