Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
