I didn't shave. On purpose
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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