I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
