dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
