so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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