If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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