I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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