WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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