So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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