Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
