Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
