No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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