Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
