There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
