there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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