When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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