good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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