i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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