if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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