I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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