apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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