Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
