I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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