bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
