Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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