the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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