when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
