Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
