I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
