saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
