Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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