eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
